Every once in a while we meet someone or experience something that makes us really take a good look in the mirror. That's happened to me. The end result? I've had an epiphany. I've been reading Hill Harper's book and after reading a book like that you can't help but look at your relationship history with new eyes. What was my epiphany? I realize the men I've had serious relationships with all have one thing in common: they are emotionally unavailable. Emotionally unavailable people put up barriers (or walls as I like to call it) to avoid being emotionally intimate with others. This description is perfect for Will who would completely and totally shut down when I attempted to have any kind of serious conversation with him. Didn't have to worry about that with Big though, he'd never answer the phone long enough for us to talk let alone do some real communicating. I'm not sure if I can consider D a serious relationship. I suppose my feelings weren't too serious, but I kept him around for quite some time. He was the least unavailable of the three, but he was also the one who bored me the most/fastest.
This is not the epiphany I had though. It's not something I've given much thought to, but when it hit me, I can't say I was surprised. It wasn't until I started asking myself why I only seek out this type of man that I was shocked. Could it be, because I myself am emotionally unavailable? I'm well aware of the walls I have up when I meet someone new. I used to think that after they prove themselves trustworthy that I let them in. It's taken some men years to break through those walls. I met one who made me feel like my walls of steel were only glass windows-he could see right through them. Is it possible that I never let them in at all? Not really let them in. I do feel a certain aversion to showing weakness. I can count on one hand the number of men who've seen me cry....and still have four fingers let.
I think I must get it from my mother. It's not that she's never told me that it's ok to cry or be angry, but I've never seen her do it. I guess it's one of those 'do as I say, not as I do" things. Now that I've had this little epiphany I need to figure out how to change. I'll first attempt to be more open with my friends and family and eventually when I meet a man who doesn't have the same issue I can learn from him as well. The idea of truly letting someone in is terrifying, but I guess it's time to put on my big girl brave pants and just do it!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
The End of Lent
When Ash Wednesday hit, I was finally sure of what I wanted to give up for Lent: Alcohol. I made this choice for two reasons. 1) It would most definitely be a sacrifice and 2) in my spirit I felt I should give it up. Oh I tried to ignore it for a very small amount of time. I thought about giving up sodas or chocolate, but none of these felt right. So after a lot of back and forth, on Feb 17th I decided to give up any and all forms of alcohol for the 40 (really 46) days of Lent. This meant no wine, beer, or mixed drinks. Nada.....zilch.....zero. This was how I planned to celebrate Jesus' triumph over temptation in the desert for 40 days. I expected it to be difficult, but not impossible.
I was right.
Some days were harder than others. I don't drink 7 days a week, or even every weekend. I'm a social drinker...for the most part. However, if I've had a bad day, or there's something going on in my life that's really bothering me I'd drink. Maybe I'd have a glass of wine after a rough day at work to remove the tension knot in my left shoulder. Maybe a shot of something to help me ignore the thoughts in my head and get some sleep. The beginning of Lent was easy. I was happy. I wasn't really going out, so there was no temptation. It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that my will started to crumble. For one, I had a party. Me...not drinking....at a party? Unheard of. Fortunately I had support and it wasn't too bad.
The last week though, I thought I wouldn't make it. I felt myself being tempted every day. To top it all off, I was in pain. Not physical pain of course, but emotional pain. If it wasn't for Lent, I would have had a couple of drinks just to numb the pain. I'm a runner. Instead of dealing with my emotions and facing them head on I like to bury them deep down, never to be addressed again. Drinking was my way of running. Without it I had to face it all on my own. I didn't like the feeling in my chest or the tears constantly in my eyes....not me. I'm the strong one. I'm the hard one. I had to come to terms with the fact that what I have been doing is unhealthy, especially with the long line of alcoholics (real ones) in my family. I've always recognized my dependency on alcohol for what it was, but as I said before, I'm a runner so I never faced it.
When I started Lent I didn't expect to learn something about myself. But I did. I've learned that I don't always have to be the strong one. I don't always have to be hard. It's ok for other people to know you're hurt. If they don't know, how can they help you? And that's what they did. They helped me. Some made more tears flow with their unexpected loyalty and words of encouragement. Some made me laugh with their positive outlook and never ending jokes. But they all helped me in some way and for this I'm grateful.
Am I going to stop drinking? Shit no...but I'll leave it at socially drinking instead of "drowning my problems in bottles of Vodka".
I was right.
Some days were harder than others. I don't drink 7 days a week, or even every weekend. I'm a social drinker...for the most part. However, if I've had a bad day, or there's something going on in my life that's really bothering me I'd drink. Maybe I'd have a glass of wine after a rough day at work to remove the tension knot in my left shoulder. Maybe a shot of something to help me ignore the thoughts in my head and get some sleep. The beginning of Lent was easy. I was happy. I wasn't really going out, so there was no temptation. It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that my will started to crumble. For one, I had a party. Me...not drinking....at a party? Unheard of. Fortunately I had support and it wasn't too bad.
The last week though, I thought I wouldn't make it. I felt myself being tempted every day. To top it all off, I was in pain. Not physical pain of course, but emotional pain. If it wasn't for Lent, I would have had a couple of drinks just to numb the pain. I'm a runner. Instead of dealing with my emotions and facing them head on I like to bury them deep down, never to be addressed again. Drinking was my way of running. Without it I had to face it all on my own. I didn't like the feeling in my chest or the tears constantly in my eyes....not me. I'm the strong one. I'm the hard one. I had to come to terms with the fact that what I have been doing is unhealthy, especially with the long line of alcoholics (real ones) in my family. I've always recognized my dependency on alcohol for what it was, but as I said before, I'm a runner so I never faced it.
When I started Lent I didn't expect to learn something about myself. But I did. I've learned that I don't always have to be the strong one. I don't always have to be hard. It's ok for other people to know you're hurt. If they don't know, how can they help you? And that's what they did. They helped me. Some made more tears flow with their unexpected loyalty and words of encouragement. Some made me laugh with their positive outlook and never ending jokes. But they all helped me in some way and for this I'm grateful.
Am I going to stop drinking? Shit no...but I'll leave it at socially drinking instead of "drowning my problems in bottles of Vodka".
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