(Wo)Man in the Mirror

Every once in a while we meet someone or experience something that makes us really take a good look in the mirror. That's happened to me. The end result? I've had an epiphany. I've been reading Hill Harper's book and after reading a book like that you can't help but look at your relationship history with new eyes. What was my epiphany? I realize the men I've had serious relationships with all have one thing in common: they are emotionally unavailable. Emotionally unavailable people put up barriers (or walls as I like to call it) to avoid being emotionally intimate with others. This description is perfect for Will who would completely and totally shut down when I attempted to have any kind of serious conversation with him. Didn't have to worry about that with Big though, he'd never answer the phone long enough for us to talk let alone do some real communicating. I'm not sure if I can consider D a serious relationship. I suppose my feelings weren't too serious, but I kept him around for quite some time. He was the least unavailable of the three, but he was also the one who bored me the most/fastest.



This is not the epiphany I had though. It's not something I've given much thought to, but when it hit me, I can't say I was surprised. It wasn't until I started asking myself why I only seek out this type of man that I was shocked. Could it be, because I myself am emotionally unavailable? I'm well aware of the walls I have up when I meet someone new. I used to think that after they prove themselves trustworthy that I let them in. It's taken some men years to break through those walls. I met one who made me feel like my walls of steel were only glass windows-he could see right through them. Is it possible that I never let them in at all? Not really let them in. I do feel a certain aversion to showing weakness. I can count on one hand the number of men who've seen me cry....and still have four fingers let.

I think I must get it from my mother. It's not that she's never told me that it's ok to cry or be angry, but I've never seen her do it. I guess it's one of those 'do as I say, not as I do" things. Now that I've had this little epiphany I need to figure out how to change. I'll first attempt to be more open with my friends and family and eventually when I meet a man who doesn't have the same issue I can learn from him as well. The idea of truly letting someone in is terrifying, but I guess it's time to put on my big girl brave pants and just do it!

The End of Lent

When Ash Wednesday hit, I was finally sure of what I wanted to give up for Lent: Alcohol. I made this choice for two reasons. 1) It would most definitely be a sacrifice and 2) in my spirit I felt I should give it up. Oh I tried to ignore it for a very small amount of time. I thought about giving up sodas or chocolate, but none of these felt right. So after a lot of back and forth, on Feb 17th I decided to give up any and all forms of alcohol for the 40 (really 46) days of Lent. This meant no wine, beer, or mixed drinks. Nada.....zilch.....zero. This was how I planned to celebrate Jesus' triumph over temptation in the desert for 40 days. I expected it to be difficult, but not impossible.

I was right.

Some days were harder than others. I don't drink 7 days a week, or even every weekend. I'm a social drinker...for the most part. However, if I've had a bad day, or there's something going on in my life that's really bothering me I'd drink. Maybe I'd have a glass of wine after a rough day at work to remove the tension knot in my left shoulder. Maybe a shot of something to help me ignore the thoughts in my head and get some sleep. The beginning of Lent was easy. I was happy. I wasn't really going out, so there was no temptation. It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that my will started to crumble. For one, I had a party. Me...not drinking....at a party? Unheard of. Fortunately I had support and it wasn't too bad.

The last week though, I thought I wouldn't make it. I felt myself being tempted every day. To top it all off, I was in pain. Not physical pain of course, but emotional pain. If it wasn't for Lent, I would have had a couple of drinks just to numb the pain. I'm a runner. Instead of dealing with my emotions and facing them head on I like to bury them deep down, never to be addressed again. Drinking was my way of running. Without it I had to face it all on my own. I didn't like the feeling in my chest or the tears constantly in my eyes....not me. I'm the strong one. I'm the hard one. I had to come to terms with the fact that what I have been doing is unhealthy, especially with the long line of alcoholics (real ones) in my family. I've always recognized my dependency on alcohol for what it was, but as I said before, I'm a runner so I never faced it.

When I started Lent I didn't expect to learn something about myself. But I did. I've learned that I don't always have to be the strong one. I don't always have to be hard. It's ok for other people to know you're hurt. If they don't know, how can they help you? And that's what they did. They helped me. Some made more tears flow with their unexpected loyalty and words of encouragement. Some made me laugh with their positive outlook and never ending jokes. But they all helped me in some way and for this I'm grateful.

Am I going to stop drinking? Shit no...but I'll leave it at socially drinking instead of "drowning my problems in bottles of Vodka".

I always thought I was a little crazy...

Sharing feelings and emotions has never been something I've been comfortable with. Especially if the emotion is pain. Funny thing is, I'm usually the cause of my own pain. According to Albert Einstein, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Well by this definition I must be insane. I keep following my heart when it's steered me wrong so many times before. I ended last year with a new attitude. I was going to open myself up to the idea of love. I think I even blogged about it. I didn't want to be a bitter woman who'd closed herself off just because she'd been hurt before. There was still a part of me that would scream and fight to get me to protect myself. "Don't do it, you'll only get hurt." But how can you love, or be loved, if you don't take a chance? That voice got quieter and quieter as time went on. Right about now it's saying "I told you so". I've never been able to gamble with my money, so why do I keep gambling with my heart? I'd hate to go back to being that cold hearted woman. I made so much progress, or at least I thought I did. So what now? I don't know. I like to make jokes about drowning my sorrows in a bottle of vodka, but thanks to Lent I've got a good two weeks before I can do that. I pray I make it...

The Conversation

This morning I realized it's March already and I don't think I've read one book this year (well maybe ONE), but how unusual is it that my favorite past time has suddenly become something I don't have time for. With this in mind I paid a visit to the world wide web for new book suggestions. I came across reviews of Hill Harper's The Conversation. Not many people know this, but Hill Harper just might be my dream man. Not only is he handsome, he's educated. Everyone who knows me is aware of my weakness for an intelligent, well-read, educated black man.

**deep dreamy sigh**

That's not what this blog is about though. I'm pretty excited about reading The Conversation. Like me, Hill believes the art of communication has long been lost among black men and women. When attempting to form a romantic relationship we tend to only engage in superficial conversations. "Where are you from? What do you do for a living? What do you like to do for fun?" Sure this is perfectly fine initially. But after a certain point (when you decide you like said person and want to get to know them), we should be doing more communicating than playing 21 questions.

In my opinion, lack of communication and trust are the two reasons most relationships fail. I've always been a talker. If something has been done to hurt or upset me, you will know about it. I'll want to address the situation and clear the air so there will be no resentment later. Conversely, I'd like to be told when I hurt someone. There's nothing worse than getting the cold shoulder and not having any idea why. Leaving things unresolved has never been something I do. However when you're faced with men(not all) who completely shut down or get defensive any time you try to talk to them, you learn to stop talking to them. Can't wait to read Hill's thoughts on the subject. No worries I'll be sure to blog after reading.

Yup, I'm a Crab

I've never really been one of those people to set much store by a zodiac sign. It used to bug me if the question after "what's your name?" is "what's your sign?". Really? I am not my astrological sign. Recently I've been doing some....soul searching I guess you could call it and learning a lot about myself. While looking at the personality traits of a Cancer I see that everything ever written about the Cancer woman is me. Seriously. Every. Single. Thing. This part really stood out to me though.

You are extremely receptive to your environment and the people around you,
and will often ‘pick up’ people’s energies, moods and thoughts. This ability serves you well; your intuition about people is quite often correct. Your knack of knowing people’s issues before they even open their mouths attracts them to you. The difficulty with this, though, is that you can tend to absorb their emotions — negative as well as positive. The emblem for Cancer is the Crab, a creature with a very hard shell which protects a soft interior. The crab walks sideways, which is how the Cancerian skirts around a problem until forced to take it on with gritty determination and a creative flair.

The part about being very intuitive is definitely true. But the hard shell and soft interior? That's not me AT ALL(sarcasm at it's best). This might be the best way to describe me! It usually takes a very long time for me to let people in. I'm not even sure if they realize this because to them they think they've already made it. There are a lot of layers to me and only when they see the depth of my personality and emotions do they understand that all this time they've been getting the shell. I feel like I have to do this because underneath this hard exterior is a sensitivity not a lot of people understand. Absorbing other's emotions is a great way to put it. When the people I love are happy, I'm generally happy right along with them. However when they hurt, I truly hurt. Sometimes I hate that I'm so sensitive. I think I'd rather be hard inside and out, but that's just not me. Another thing about Cancers is that we're loyal. Once you make it in my heart, you're in. The flip side to this is that I don't always let go once a relationship has passed it's expiration date. Reading all this is helping me in my quest to find out more about myself. The more I learn, the more I like me :)

The Gray Area

I can remember saying to my boyfriend, "Everything is so black or white with you. It's either your way or my way. There's never any compromise. How about we meet in the middle? A little gray never hurt anyone." That was my first serious relationship. I was such a naive thing (I blame Disney but that's another blog). Now that I'm a little older and way more experienced I realize GRAY SUCKS. Well...at least I think it does. I've never really been able to handle gray areas well because I don't know what's expected of me. I'm always either hurting someone's feelings, sticking my foot in my mouth, or getting pissed off because I just don't know what the hell is going on.

In dating and relationships, this is how it goes. You meet a guy. You start talking. If you like him, you keep talking. There's dates, maybe some sex, deep conversations, etc. You're dating but not in a relationship yet. This is what I call a gray area. We haven't really had that "exclusive" convo yet *shudders*, but I'm not sure how I'd feel if I saw you out with another girl either. For most women, this is the time they pull out the "what are we" talk because they're interested in becoming something more. This isn't me. If I ever start the "what are we" conversation it's because I'm confused and I want to make sure it's cool for me to talk to/date/sleep with someone else. In any case, this is always where I mess up. The last time I experienced a gray area, the guy said we were just "dating" and not in a relationship. To me, "just dating" is something I can do with more than one somebody. I say, "So.....we can see other people right?" I mean I just wanted to be clear! Wrong thing to say. This is probably a bad example considering the fact that the man was an idiot, but anyway you get my drift. Some people's gray is a little different than others.

In friendships, especially those controversial male/female friendships, it starts the same way. You meet, you talk, you hang, you have fun. But if you're a girl, there will be a point where you ask yourself "Is he trying to get in my pants, or does he REALLY just want to be my friend?" If you're just my friend, you can listen to me talk about random boo's or scum. If you're just my friend I can tell you I think your brother is fine without you getting pissed off. Messed up here too. Damn, my bad homie! Thought we were just friends! On the flip side, you keep saying you don't wanna get in my pants but uh...all you want to talk about is sex. Not just sex, but sex with me...what's up with that?

I hate gray areas. I'm all about black/white. We're either together, or we're not. We're either strictly friends or you're trying to get in my pants. This is something I will have to work on because half the time I'm forcing people into my own gray areas because I have no earthly idea what I want. I've never been good at just "going with the flow". I hate when people say that shit. It's not something I'm good at. I'm impulsive and impatient and if I see something I want then dammit I go after it. Again, something I'll have to work on. So it's time to sit back, relax, and try my best to just "go with the flow".....without hurting anyone's feelings. **fingers crossed**

Can Men and Women Be Friends?

In all honesty I can't even remember why this has been so heavy on my mind today...blame the tangled mass of random thoughts that is my brain. While chatting with the girls today, I posed a question. Can women and men be friends?

Before I go any further, allow me to clarify. By friends I mean STRICTLY friends.

Not friends w/benefits. (Ya'll know what this means)

My girls, being the hilarious and brilliant women they are, gave me great answers. Karly* a 29yr old single woman initially said it can work as long as no one crosses the "friend" line, but "if he's fine I am probably gonna kiss him at least once, or give him a massage...something. So I guess you can...as long as he's not fine." Sahara*, a 26yr old woman in a relationship says "If we both decide that friendship is as far as it goes and we understand why, then two mature people should be able to be just friends...sad to say I ain't one of those people." Most of the responses I received on FB and Twitter were "hell no's", with only two people who think it's possible as long as both parties exercise will power. My answer? In a word, yes, men and women can be friends.

But as I type this I hear Karly's voice....."as long as he's not fine." Hmm, what if he is fine? Would attraction change things? I think of all my male friends and guess what...not physically attracted to any of them. The only one I've been attracted to is no longer of the platonic variety. It's hard to imagine myself being friends with a 6ft tall, intelligent lite brite who enjoys my company and NOT jumping his bones....but maybe that's the Samantha in me. Sahara made a good point when she says "If he is worthy of a real friendship, then he must at least be an alright guy." and isn't friendship the foundation of a good relationship?

Am I saying that it's impossible to be friends with someone you're attracted to? No, it's definitely possible and can be a great experience but it can be difficult until you fall into the easy pattern of true friendship. My friend Kee says, "It is possible to admire someone and find them attractive and not want them. I think it depends on the strengths of the parties involved." I agree with her. Will power and respect for your friendship are ultimately the deciding factors on whether or not you can be friends with someone who just so happens to be hott as a marathon runner's jockstrap.

*Names have been changed to protect my retarded friends' identity.

Father Can You Hear Me Pt 2

First I have to thank my buddy EJ (lol) for introducing me to blogging. I'll be forever grateful. Also, thanks to my cousin Keish. Reading her blog helped me finish mine. In case you missed it like I did....http://therapeuticrelief.blogspot.com/2010/01/daddys-little-girl.html

Something she said in her blog reminded me of a pattern I see in my relationships. "Because I expect them to leave, I push them away before it can happen." LIGHT BULB! Every man I've had a relationship with, or got close to, I left before they could leave me. Every. Single. One. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept thinking of all the love and laughs I may have missed out on because I'm too afraid to let go. I often tell others to live each day to the fullest because we never know when our life will end. Cherish every moment, I say. How hypocritical of me. I do no such thing. Whenever I meet a man that sees through the walls I've built around my heart it unsettles me. I want to let him see, I want to let him in, I want to let him love me, but my own stubbornness won't let that happen. I can't do this anymore. I think of the ones I've loved and lost. One in particular who has been heavy on my mind lately. He lost his life at the same age I am now. More of a brother, than a cousin. When I think of him, I'm reminded to not just exist, but to live. Every life is precious and I can't spend mine being afraid. I have to live for them. I have to live for my daughter. I have to live for myself. A friend of mine told me that God places people in our lives for a reason and instead of being bothered by the presence of that person, we should just allow ourselves to learn whatever we're supposed to learn from them. I refuse to miss out on anything else. I have some pretty awesome people in my life. I will love each and every one of them for as long as I live with more passion than before.

As for Randy, I do love him, exactly the way a daughter should love her father. I know he loves me too and our relationship continues to grow every day. He's accepted me for who I am, and he doesn't even preach to me anymore. I don't know what happened between last night and today, but I feel very optimistic about the future...for the first time in a long time.

Father Can You Hear Me

Thanks to today's FITB session on Twitter for blogging inspiration. The topic was "Dear Daddy". Looking at the responses showed me how many women have "daddy issues"...Lord knows I do. When I was 5 my father moved back to his hometown of Birmingham, Al. When I was younger, I felt absolutely no resentment towards my father. I can honestly say this. It felt perfectly normal for daddy to live in Al, and for me to visit every summer. Maybe it's because none of my cousins father's were really around either. It wasn't until I looked into my daughter's eyes for the first time that I felt what all the others must have felt all their lives...abandonment. I tried to imagine leaving her. I came to the realization that it would cause me physical pain to be away from her. Hell I miss her if she's with her father for more than a weekend. As I looked into her eyes, I kept asking myself the one question I couldn't answer.

"How could he leave me?"

I asked him this question once, of course not with that much emotion. I think it was more along the lines of "Why did you move back to AL?" His response was something about him just having to get away, and that I wouldn't really understand. I really don't care what's going on in my life, nothing could take me away from my daughter. My boyfriend at the time tried to tell me that it's a man thing. Women are more attached to their children. Under no circumstances do I believe this. The father's I know feel the same way I do (especially the fool who told me this). Once again I don't think it's a gender thing, it's more of a person thing. Maybe some people are not cut out to be parents. But I'm rambling, what I'm really wondering now is if the issues I have with men in general can be attributed to what I feel for my father? I never really made the connection. Probably because for all of my young life I had no issues. I thought my fear of getting close came from my first couple of relationships. I thought I had problems trusting people because I've been cheated on. Now I'm not so sure.

I've always been a sensitive person. Maybe it's the Cancer in me. I rarely open up to new people or come out of my shell. If I feel I'm getting too close or if I feel I'll get hurt, I completely shut down. Only people who've proven trustworthy get past the hard outer shell. Over the past year I think I dated at least 5 new guys. I didn't let any of them in. Not one. Didn't realize how sad that was until recently. I'm really starting to have trouble with this blog right now so I'll work on finishing later.


"The human father has to be confronted and recognized as human, as man who created a child and then, by his absence, left the child fatherless and then Godless." -Anais Nin

The Man

Sunday night I was talking with my cousin, her boy a.k.a my bff, and my daughter's father. Actually listening to those idiots talk would be a more accurate description. In the beginning the convo was about the typical "man shit". You know, gadgets, football, and cars. Somehow it morphed into them talking about how many babies they want, pregnancy, labor, and periods. My cousin and I were silent the whole time looking like WTF and wishing they would change the subject. It got me to thinking. In an earlier blog, I asked when did women become men? Now I'm wondering more specifically, when did I become the man?

When I was 18yrs old I met my first love. Still had on my rose-colored glass and thought love was like a fairy tale. Growing up on Disney movies will do that to you. I still got a thing for Prince Eric btw. (I could go on and on about the racism and sexism of Disney, but that's another blog.)Anyway, I was sadly naive but happy with him...until he cheated. My mind could not even fully comprehend what happened. I snapped for a few months, but felt a little like myself again after it was over. I was no longer naive, but still a hopeless romantic believing in love. And then I met Big. I won't go into details, but Big is probably what sealed the deal. The straw that broke the camel's back or whatever u want to call it. In no way do I blame these men for my actions now. I take complete responsibility, but after that heartbreak, I came up with a few rules to keep myself from getting too attached to any man. I started approaching sexual relationships the way a lot of men do. Sex with no attachment. Unfortunately, just about every man I've dated since then has gotten hurt. Do I blame myself? Hell no. I explain to them that I have NO INTEREST in forming any kind of relationship, but they always try to change me. This is when they get the "Kick Rocks, Thanks" memo. I move on to the next without any kind of remorse. Talk about role reversal...

I haven't had any kind of emotional attachment to a man in a year. Except for Big of course, but I'm not counting him. This weekend I realized just how far I've gone. I felt bad about it for a second, but like most men, I pushed those emotions way down. Now that I've figured out when and why I became a man, am I ready to change? I'll never be the girl I was 10yrs ago, and that's a good thing. But am I ready to open up again? I actually think I am...one thing is for sure, it's going to take one hell of a man to deal with me. Then again I am one hell of a woman.

Dream A Little Dream

I am never, never, NEVER drinking anything else my Uncle Perry gives me. I shoulda known. Last night we went over for my cousins 18th bday party. It was hilarious, my fam is crazy. That's beside the point though. While there, Unc gave me just a swallow of some Moonshine or something I don't even know exactly. I'm a pretty hard drinker so it wasn't bad. Didn't burn going down, but I felt nice and warm from my chest to my toes. I didn't get drunk at all though since all I had was that one swallow. When I got home? Weird dream city. I wouldn't say that I never remember my dreams. But I never really remember more than just a vague picture of what happened. Here's what happened.

Dream #1: I wake up on a couch. There seems to be some noise nearby, like people talking. I jump up because I have the feeling I've overslept. Instantly I realize I'm getting married and I don't have enough time to get ready. Next I get PISSED because I haven't had a bachelorette party. This is all I remember from this dream.

Dream #2: It starts with me in a mirror. I have my wedding gown on and my hair has been done. I'm trying to put on makeup. For some reason, my makeup looks horrible! I mean I'm screwing up bad. My lipstick was a hideous shade of bright pink and my foundation was too light. I'm freaking out because the wedding starts at 4:30 and the clock says 4:47. One of my bridesmaids reminded me that it's my wedding so they'll wait for me. I remember telling her I hate when weddings start so damn late. My bridesmaids were women who probably won't even BE at my wedding let alone be bridesmaids. They were random high school classmates and friends of friends. Idk what happened there. Then in walks my fine ass husband to be. He's telling me to calm down and not to worry about the guest. As my bridesmaids said...they'll wait. He was pretty hott too. Score one for me huh?

Dream #3: Now this is where it gets interesting lol. For a split second I thought this dream was real. This dream starts with me waking up in bed. My bed...and reaching for my phone to check Twitter (I actually do this sometimes if I've fallen asleep on someone). I start tweeting one of my buddies and while I remember every single tweet from the dream...I'd rather not share. It was so real that I had to check Twitter this morning to see if they were actually there. I'm thinking maybe I need to spend a little less time on Twitter.

Now what does all this mean???? I haven't the foggiest. Why did I not see any of my real friends or family in the wedding dream? Why the hell am I dreaming about getting married? I know I'm not ready for that. I think I've figured out why I'm dreaming about Twitter. I simply spend way too much time tweeting. As for the other two....no earthly idea what's going on there. I'm blaming it on the Moonshine!

THE DATING GAME

Ah yes, the dating game. Regardless of race, sex, ethnicity, religion, or even sexual orientation, we're all active participants in the search for love (in one form or another). So I pose this question......

WHY IS IT SO FREAKING HARD TO FIND?

As part of a very close knit group of women who often bear a resemblance to the characters from Sex and the City, Girlfriends, and sometimes even The Golden Girls, I hear a lot of concerns about dating. As a single woman looking for love (ew), I have some of the same concerns. First things first. I'm not really sure what I want. Maybe that's my whole problem. I do know that I want to find love (the can't live without each other love) eventually. Right now I'd rather just have a companion to do things with and talk about everything and nothing with. You'd think it'd be easy for me to find someone like this right?

WRONG!!!

Finding a man who 1)doesn't bore my pants off 2)is actually honest about what he wants and 3)can hold an intelligent convo has proven to be a difficult task. I'm not picky. He doesn't have to look like Reggie Bush (though that would help). I just need 2 cups of intelligence, honesty, and wit, with a dash of compassion and a pinch of sexy. A little ambition wouldn't hurt either. Is that too much? Am I more picky than I realized? It seems we can't actually have all the things we look for in a mate, and I never expected that. But just because he's intelligent and witty, does this mean he has to be a liar? Or he's honest and compassionate but dumb as a box of rocks.

Sorry but I need a little more!

I refuse to settle for something I don't REALLY want. A pastor I know once compared the dating game to shoe shopping. He said you can spot a shoe that is EXACTLY what you're looking for, but it might be two sizes too small. Some people will take this shoe home and try to force it on their fat ass feet and end up with corns and bunions and eventually realize that no matter what u do. The shoe just doesn't fit. I will not take home a shoe that doesn't fit.

If all this wasn't enough of a reason to give it all up, most of the men we come across refuse to KI100 (like my Twitter boo says) and tell us what they are really looking for. I take that back not most men, but a lot of men. Why do they refuse to be honest with us? I do understand that more often than not if you tell a woman "I'm just looking for sex", she'll tell you to kick rocks. But hey that's just a part of dating. No means next. Please don't waste my time trying to make me believe you actually give a damn when you don't give a rat's ass. I have better things to do with my time. It turns me all the way off when a guy fronts like that. With me, honesty will get you farther than any lame ass lines you can throw at me.

*dramatic sigh*

Dating truly sucks sometimes. Then just when you've lost all hope...

HALLELUJAH!

You find him. He may not look like Reggie Bush, and he may not be the smartest or funniest man in the world, but he has a little bit of everything you're looking for. He makes your heart race and your palms sweat. He makes those old dating days feel like the Dark Ages. And this, my friends is why I won't give up. I'll keep looking for him.

First time for everything...

Ooops I haven't written in a minute. First things first I did not see Big when he was in Memphis. I could lie and say I stuck to my guns and was determined not to see him. But the truth is...I really didn't feel like getting out to see him. And with it being the weekend before Christmas I had too much to do. So if I had more time and he had come to me would I have seen him? Probably. But that's beside the point. The point is in the past I didn't care what the hell I had to do. Gotta get up at 4am to run a 15 mile marathon(like I'd ever do that I'm just sayin)? Still going to see Big. Been planning on going to a new club with my bff for the longest? No problem, I'll leave early and see Big. World coming to an end? No problem! I'm going to see Big. So the fact that I simply didn't feel like it kept me from seeing him is a major accomplishment. I might not be all the way there, but I'm so totally on the way lol. Anyhoo what's been happening since then?

Welp I kinda cancelled the book club meetings. Hated to do it but it just felt like I was the only one (with the exception of Keesh) that was really interested in the books. We didn't have one meeting where everybody read the book. It was kinda sad. Not that I'll stop reading...that'll NEVER happen. Hell would have to freeze over and even then I'd be finding something to read. We'll just do the meet and eat thing every month to keep in touch with each other. I mean we talk every day but I like having a set date to actually get together with the girls.

My NYE wasn't the greatest...well no I can't say that. It wasn't bad it was just....different. I decided to go to church this year. Spent last year's NYE in a club and while I actually had a blast. My year kinda seemed a little off track. Going to church was a good idea but I didn't know what kind of service it would be. Wasn't aware that people were going to be getting up to testify while I had to sit there and listen. Didn't know there would be three whole speakers for the night or that we'd be there well after midnight. 30 minutes into service I was wishing I'd gone out. So this past Saturday my cousin and I did go out. We went to Level 2. It wasn't bad but it looks like we'll have to get Gucci's new album to enjoy. I mean they had a whole Gucci HOUR. It was a mess. So for next NYE I won't fight the urge to go out because it seems to just get stronger and stronger anyway!

I have more but it's lunchtime and I haven't had a thing to eat today. That's the beauty of a blog though huh? U can always come back and write more. Loving it! Thanks Edward for introducing me.