(Wo)Man in the Mirror

Every once in a while we meet someone or experience something that makes us really take a good look in the mirror. That's happened to me. The end result? I've had an epiphany. I've been reading Hill Harper's book and after reading a book like that you can't help but look at your relationship history with new eyes. What was my epiphany? I realize the men I've had serious relationships with all have one thing in common: they are emotionally unavailable. Emotionally unavailable people put up barriers (or walls as I like to call it) to avoid being emotionally intimate with others. This description is perfect for Will who would completely and totally shut down when I attempted to have any kind of serious conversation with him. Didn't have to worry about that with Big though, he'd never answer the phone long enough for us to talk let alone do some real communicating. I'm not sure if I can consider D a serious relationship. I suppose my feelings weren't too serious, but I kept him around for quite some time. He was the least unavailable of the three, but he was also the one who bored me the most/fastest.



This is not the epiphany I had though. It's not something I've given much thought to, but when it hit me, I can't say I was surprised. It wasn't until I started asking myself why I only seek out this type of man that I was shocked. Could it be, because I myself am emotionally unavailable? I'm well aware of the walls I have up when I meet someone new. I used to think that after they prove themselves trustworthy that I let them in. It's taken some men years to break through those walls. I met one who made me feel like my walls of steel were only glass windows-he could see right through them. Is it possible that I never let them in at all? Not really let them in. I do feel a certain aversion to showing weakness. I can count on one hand the number of men who've seen me cry....and still have four fingers let.

I think I must get it from my mother. It's not that she's never told me that it's ok to cry or be angry, but I've never seen her do it. I guess it's one of those 'do as I say, not as I do" things. Now that I've had this little epiphany I need to figure out how to change. I'll first attempt to be more open with my friends and family and eventually when I meet a man who doesn't have the same issue I can learn from him as well. The idea of truly letting someone in is terrifying, but I guess it's time to put on my big girl brave pants and just do it!