Mr. Big is back

As soon as I write a post about leaving all my scummies in 2009, Big wishes to resurface(again). Big is my ex. Maybe I should give you the whole story. But damn, that would take time I don't have. Short version: Big and I met in 2004. Over the course of these five years we've broken up and made up about....I don't know....20 times. Probably more. He lives in Nashville, I live in Memphis. We've done just about everything to ruin any kind of love we might have left. But the truth is, I love him just as much now as I did five years ago. Unfortunately, love isn't everything.
While Big is essentially a good guy, he's not really ready for the kind of relationship I want. On top of that, what we have seems to be unhealthy. We both get blinded by love and do things we shouldn't for the sake of being together. With that being said, on labor day this year, I kicked him out of my life for the umpteenth time. Really, if neither one of us have any solid plans for moving, and actually spending our life together....what's the point? Anyhoo, I was doing really well until about 3 days ago, when poof, like a rabbit out of a hat Big reappears. He's saying he loves me and needs to be with me. He asked to come see me for the weekend. And when have I ever been able to tell him no?

There's a first time for everything.

I told him NO. I wasn't mean about it. I just explained that I don't want to start the cycle again. Simple as that. Even though I'd like to see him, I told him no. And guess what he said..."Well I'm coming anyway. If you change your mind, and hopefully you will, I'll be there". So Big will be in Memphis this weekend. Will I stay strong and stay AWAY??? Or will I give in to temptation??? Only time will tell I guess. But first, it's time for our monthly book club meeting. I live for these things!!!

A Change in the Wind

Today has been a really long day. Monday's at DHS usually are. I'm thinking I need a healthier way to relieve my stress. I've decided that wine just has too many calories and I really don't want to be dependent on alcohol to calm my nerves. I refuse to turn to weed. I just don't feel right about it for some reason. Maybe if I wasn't a mother....but that's not healthy either. Sex, while a great stress reliever, causes too much drama which in turn, induces more stress. I've settled on working out. At least, I'm going to try. However even as I write this I have a martini on the desk. I'll start tomorrow.

With the new year rapidly approaching, it seems as though everyone is thinking of resolutions. Some are giving up drinking, some cursing, some sex. Over the course of the last few months, I've been feeling a bit....lost. I can't really explain it, I feel happy every day. It's just sometimes I don't think I'm sure of who I am. Is that weird to say at 27? I thought by now I'd know exactly what I wanted to be and who I am. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Things I know for sure:

1. I'm not using the "n-word" in 2010.
2. I'm leaving all scummies in 2009
3. I will take better care of myself and be healthy

I honestly can't remember how long I've been using the n-word. It never really bothered me until recently I realized exactly how much I say it. The n-word will no longer be a part of my vocabulary. Not even really sure when I decided to stop saying it. I've recently moved to saying "n-word" instead of "nigga", but I'm planning to cut it out completely. Older people do not call each other "nigga", and it's for a reason. The memories they have of that word are far from pleasant.

Ah scummy. See, the thing about scummies, is that you don't really have to put forth any effort with them. There is no chance of being with a scummy because for 1, scummies are no good. They're usually cute and good in bed, so we keep them around for rainy days. With scummies there is no possibility of getting hurt. And all of this I plan to leave in 2009. Starting this next decade with an empty roster. And I will not recruit any new scummies. Looks like I've had enough. It just might be time to go back to the old me. But the question remains: When a good girl goes bad, is she truly gone forever?

Diabetes, Cancer, Heart Disease, High Blood Pressure. These are all diseases the people in my family have or have had. As African Americans we are at a higher risk for these diseases in general, and with the family history....let's just say I'm screwed. God gave me this life, it's my responsibility to make sure I do everything in my power to keep this gift. This means eating healthier, working out, and getting regular check-ups. I usually hate going to the doctor(get that from my mother), but I have a 4 year old to think about. I want to be able to spend as many years with her as I possibly can.

Welp, that's all for tonight. Need to get rested for another DHS day tomorrow.

"Laugh as much as you breathe, and love as long as you live."

When Did Women Become Men?

I've been blessed with a handful of beautiful, independent, confident women to call friends. I can tell these girls anything, and they never judge me. We talk about everything from education, religion, motherhood, politics, music, to sex. Ahhh, sex. How often we broach this topic. During one of our many explicit convo's I had a thought. It hasn't always been this way. The belief used to be that after a woman engages in sexual activity, she gets attached. She becomes clingy and is automatically expecting more. This belief seems to have changed. Maybe not worldwide, but definitely in my world. So I pose this question: When did women become men?

The women I know (myself included) approach most sexual relationships like men. They are completely capable of being in sexual relationships without "catching feelings". Some even prefer it this way. So when did this change? I can't even pinpoint when the change occurred for myself, let alone others. I do know that times have quite obviously changed. Women are not as commonly thought of as "hoes" if they enjoy sex without attachments. This is a change for the better. Every consenting adult should be sexually liberated. Women should not be ashamed to enjoy or seek sex. Everybody needs a little "sex therapy". And on that note.....

My Black Brother

Well well here I am again. Been a little under the weather. Had a mean case of bronchitis, but I'm starting to feel a bit more like myself now. Nothing very exciting has been going on in my life so I'd like to get into something I've been thinking about recently. The BLACK man. I've noticed that a lot of black women on Facebook and Twitter do a lot of man bashing. I have to include myself in this group because I do sometimes get caught up in it too. We call them scummies, we use them, abuse them, and make fun of them. In a sense we've turned into everything we hate about black men. Now don't get me wrong, there are PLENTY of scummies in the world. Unfortunately, we run into them a lot more often than the good black man. Sorry, getting off subject, I'll save the scummies for another post. For now, I'd just like the world to know that there are good black men out there. Plenty actually. I'm in love with the black man. There is nothing sexier on this planet than an educated black man. NOTHING. Our black men are educated, talented, ambitious, loving, funny, loyal, strong, creative and most of all misunderstood. The worst part is that they are misunderstood mostly by their own black women. Sometimes we confuse every black man with the one black man who may have hurt us. This has to end. I will no longer be guilty of making generalized statements about black men. I will not bring to light the flaws and weaknesses. Instead I will shine a light on all of my black brothers doing it the way it's supposed to be done. I just want to stand up for my black men. I mean...if we don't, who will??? Think about it.

STUPID IN LOVE

This is why I have a love/hate relationship with music. Music can alter your mood so drastically. Put on the right song on a bad day and ur frown is instantly turned upside down. Unfortunately it works the opposite way as well. (insert dramatic sigh here) On Rihanna's Rated R album there's a song called Stupid In Love. I instantly loved the song. But the song brings out feelings in me that I thought were buried a long time ago. As Rihanna found out, the hard way, sometimes regardless of how much you love a person, you've just got to let them go. Like she said in her interview...."f" love. Sometimes the love u have for a person can be so powerful it's dangerous. It makes u "stupid in love". Like she says, "I still love you but I just can't do this." The song takes me back to a time where I was stupid in love. Even though I got out of it, I still feel stupid at times because I can't make the love go away. Was I such a horrible person in a past life that I'm cursed to love someone I shouldn't be with...for the rest of my life? That's the way it feels. Grrrr I hate these depressing ass blogs. And I hate feeling this way. The "dunce cap is off", but I'm still Stupid In Love....

Thanksgiving weekend

Just had an epiphany...do I need to go to Tiffany's? Heck yeah! But seriously lol, I think I realized why I don't blog a lot. I got a real issue with people knowing my business. No idea why, just don't like it. And I guess not people in general, just "random" people. Or people I don't know or like. Ok example. A while back I went out with this guy I went to high school with. FIRST MISTAKE. I've never dated a guy from that place and don't plan on doing it again. Anyhoo, nice guy and all. We ate dinner, saw a movie, nothing special. Saturday I went to a birthday party at Vibes. Well the guy in question was there and so were a bunch of other classmates. One tells me "I heard about ya lil date". This instantly pisses me off. Yes I have a problem with my temper. I didn't go off or anything but I just didn't like the fact that random people knew this. I guess I just like to keep things to myself. Am I a secretive person? I don't think so. There are a select few that I tell just about everything. Wonder if I should be more open about things? Hmmmm I'll think about that.

Anyhoo my Thanksgiving was pretty wonderful. I love family time and food. Friday I ended up in Vibes for a millisecond. Saturday I watched UT ALMOST give up that game to Kentucky of all people. And Saturday night at Vibes was fun as well. Sunday I stayed in and slept the day away. All in all a pretty good holiday. Can't wait for Christmas!

Oh wait I almost forgot. While at Vibes Saturday a man asked if I was going to buy his drink. I politely told him HELL NAW and to get the fuck on. Seriously guy??? That's whats hot in the streets? SMH lol, I know there are good men out there and I really don't intend to find one in a club. But dang sir, please get it together lol. Back to work!

Sleep Deprivation

So you'd think I would have written more blogs after two sleepless nights huh? Nope, not me. I just lay in bed, tossing and turning, hoping that sleep will come eventually. Finally it does, but then I dream. Strange dreams that I really can't remember, but make me feel....uneasy. I only have a vague memory of wandering around a desert feeling lost or something. The crazy part is, I NEVER have problems sleeping. It doesn't matter what's going on in my life, I can always get to sleep. Even if I've been sleeping 12hrs, if I want to go back to sleep, I can. So needless to say, this whole lack of sleep thing is turning me into the wicked witch of the west! I'm not sick, or depressed, and I don't have anymore on my mind than I usually do. Just hoping nothing is really wrong and that it'll pass.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I had a really good weekend. We had a thanksgiving dinner at work Friday that was pretty good. Friday night I had sushi with my cousin and her friends at Red Fish. My first time actually ordering sushi for myself and it was delish! I played it safe and ordered the shrimp rolls, nothing with EEL SAUCE just yet lol. Then we went to see the movie we've been waiting on for months! New Moon. Let me first start by saying, the Twilight series are actually really good. When the first movie came out I thought the movie sucked, but I could tell the story behind it was better. So I decided to read the first book. I was hooked after Chapter 1. Immediately after finishing, I got up, went to Target, and bought the 2nd book. And this is pretty much how it went until I finished all 4. So to finally see New Moon was extremely exciting. Even though they f*cked it up and we couldn't hear the first 5 minutes of it. I thought it was a great movie. It's hard for script writers and directors to please fans when they are making a book into a movie, but they did a really good job. Can't wait for Eclipse!

Saturday I hosted a fun party for my sister. If you don't know what a fun party is....how can I explain this? Lol, it's a party where they showcase a bunch of sex toys and different products for you to buy. The party was fun, and my sister did well. There was one person there who worked my last never with her loud mouth, but other than that I had a good time. Sunday I stayed in bed all day. Watched movies and just relaxed. I need to go to church. Haven't been in a month of Sunday's smh.

Until next time....

So....I'm an ungrateful bitch

I know right, I didn't know either! These are not words anyone who knows me would ever use to describe me. But one of my nearest and dearest seems to feel this way. No he didn't actually use those words, but he might as well have. I'm talking about my daughter's father or "baby daddy" as people like to call it. We (usually) have a good relationship. We're friends who take care of the same child. This is how I like to explain it. Sure I love him, he's the father of the most precious thing in the world to me. How could I not? Do I love him that way? That's still left to be decided but every day I get closer to NO! Last night he told me he didn't feel like I appreciated anything he does for me. The things he's referring to are; helping me move into my apartment, picking me up from work a few days this week, and making the occasional repair to my car. Now don't misunderstand, this is in addition to paying for her daycare, clothes, shoes and anything she might need. And also picking her up every weekend unless he's working. I tell him "thank you" each and every time he helps me. I've cooked for him and invited him to countless parties and family functions. Everyone I know thinks he's the best father. He says he doesn't want to come because he feels like everybody is "laughing at the sucker". What it all comes down to is sex. He feels like he's the only "baby daddy" on the planet not having sex with his "baby momma". This is fucking ridiculous to me. I refuse to thank you and appreciate you by giving you sex. Are you kidding me? So I told him "Thanks for all you've done, but I will never ask you for another damn thing." And half the time I don't even ask him! He offers! He offered to give me the down payment for a car and I did not take it because I knew he'd find some way to throw it in my face. So it looks like these two "friends who raise the same child" will just be "baby momma and baby daddy". Sad but necessary.

In other news I get to see my girls tonight for our monthly book club meeting. Really glad we set that up because we all need time with the friends!

Hmmm, this blogging thing is slightly addicting. Didn't realize my mind was so jam packed with random thoughts.
Anyhoo, I was reading an old journal the other day. And when I say old I mean from high school to the end of college. Around 2000-2004. As I was reading, I realized that the girl with the messy handwriting was a total stranger to me. The handwriting is still messy, but the girl was a mystery. She was young, silly, excited about the future, and most of all naive and a hopeless romantic. The woman reading the journal just felt utterly...hopeless. How could 5 short years alter me so completely? I'm still silly yes, and sure I'm happy...but the hopeless romantic part? Gone. I've turned into some manipulating, almost heartless, woman. You could say I love em and leave em, but there is really no love involved. When I get bored, I leave em. I don't think all men are dogs and I know there are some really great ones out there. I've met some. I'm still trying to figure this thing out. Am I just too afraid to give my heart like that again? Or is there nothing left to give?
Regardless, I've decided I need to make some changes in my life. I just don't feel like dating at all. And I have no interest in any of the men that are interested in me, so I won't be talking to them either. I guess it's time to figure out what I really want and who I really am. Deep, huh? Lol no worries, I'll still be my regular silly, laughing self during this process.

Carpe Diem

Ok, so yesterday I was in a car accident. Nothing serious, someone just hit us from the back getting off the interstate. I was in the car with my nephew, sister, and family friend. At the time I was highly pissed, because well...she hit us and had the nerve to get an attitude and call my sis a bitch. Waking up this morning to this absolutely BEAUTIFUL day made me realize it could have been more serious than it was. My cousin/roommate was in a car accident about two weeks ago and that could have been a lot more serious as well. The point of all this, is that we really have to appreciate LIFE. I think there is a difference between living and existing. Existing is waking up every morning, doing what you do, and going to bed at night. This is not living. And what I have to do is start living. No longer can I put off the things that I want to do because I think it's not the right time, or things are not exactly the way I want them to be. At some point, I'll be out of time and I have to remember this every day. Hopefully you will too. I have to get away from this computer and get out into this 72 degree, not a cloud in the sky day ;) Until next time.

"We are all exactly the same; we are born and then we die. What we do in the meantime is what makes us stand out."

Ok, I'm back. First I'd like to say that the meeting was a complete waste of time. But hey I'm for any time away from the clients. What's bothering me most today is my job. I work for the Dept of Human Services-you know the food stamp office as it's so commonly referred to. Was it ever my dream job? No, but I have a 4 year old and it came at a time when I was making $9/hr. What I do is answer calls from clients all day. Sounds easy right? WRONG! The mechanics of it is easy sure. You answer the phone, tell em what they wanna know, and hang up. But for someone like me, an extremely sensitive Cancer, getting cursed out at least once a day is a one way ticket to high blood pressure. It pisses me off when the clients want to get an attitude with me, because first of all I didn't do anything to your case or your benefits. You need to be screaming at ya case worker. And secondly, GET A DAMN JOB!!! Now I honestly feel bad for the clients who really are having hard times and really need the benefits. But they're few and far between. If you've been on assistance since 1995, you aint tryin to do shit with your life. I'm starting to see why so many case workers have attitudes!

Crap...what have I gotten myself into?

Sooo ok this is my first blog. No idea what I'm doing (but how is that different from any other day) so here goes. I'm writing in ORANGE today because this weekend is UT's homecoming. GO VOLS. Unfortunately I won't be able to go. Seems like everybody is going. Maybe because we play Memphis idk. Ooops forgot about this meeting at work. Be back later....