Every once in a while we meet someone or experience something that makes us really take a good look in the mirror. That's happened to me. The end result? I've had an epiphany. I've been reading Hill Harper's book and after reading a book like that you can't help but look at your relationship history with new eyes. What was my epiphany? I realize the men I've had serious relationships with all have one thing in common: they are emotionally unavailable. Emotionally unavailable people put up barriers (or walls as I like to call it) to avoid being emotionally intimate with others. This description is perfect for Will who would completely and totally shut down when I attempted to have any kind of serious conversation with him. Didn't have to worry about that with Big though, he'd never answer the phone long enough for us to talk let alone do some real communicating. I'm not sure if I can consider D a serious relationship. I suppose my feelings weren't too serious, but I kept him around for quite some time. He was the least unavailable of the three, but he was also the one who bored me the most/fastest.
This is not the epiphany I had though. It's not something I've given much thought to, but when it hit me, I can't say I was surprised. It wasn't until I started asking myself why I only seek out this type of man that I was shocked. Could it be, because I myself am emotionally unavailable? I'm well aware of the walls I have up when I meet someone new. I used to think that after they prove themselves trustworthy that I let them in. It's taken some men years to break through those walls. I met one who made me feel like my walls of steel were only glass windows-he could see right through them. Is it possible that I never let them in at all? Not really let them in. I do feel a certain aversion to showing weakness. I can count on one hand the number of men who've seen me cry....and still have four fingers let.
I think I must get it from my mother. It's not that she's never told me that it's ok to cry or be angry, but I've never seen her do it. I guess it's one of those 'do as I say, not as I do" things. Now that I've had this little epiphany I need to figure out how to change. I'll first attempt to be more open with my friends and family and eventually when I meet a man who doesn't have the same issue I can learn from him as well. The idea of truly letting someone in is terrifying, but I guess it's time to put on my big girl brave pants and just do it!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
The End of Lent
When Ash Wednesday hit, I was finally sure of what I wanted to give up for Lent: Alcohol. I made this choice for two reasons. 1) It would most definitely be a sacrifice and 2) in my spirit I felt I should give it up. Oh I tried to ignore it for a very small amount of time. I thought about giving up sodas or chocolate, but none of these felt right. So after a lot of back and forth, on Feb 17th I decided to give up any and all forms of alcohol for the 40 (really 46) days of Lent. This meant no wine, beer, or mixed drinks. Nada.....zilch.....zero. This was how I planned to celebrate Jesus' triumph over temptation in the desert for 40 days. I expected it to be difficult, but not impossible.
I was right.
Some days were harder than others. I don't drink 7 days a week, or even every weekend. I'm a social drinker...for the most part. However, if I've had a bad day, or there's something going on in my life that's really bothering me I'd drink. Maybe I'd have a glass of wine after a rough day at work to remove the tension knot in my left shoulder. Maybe a shot of something to help me ignore the thoughts in my head and get some sleep. The beginning of Lent was easy. I was happy. I wasn't really going out, so there was no temptation. It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that my will started to crumble. For one, I had a party. Me...not drinking....at a party? Unheard of. Fortunately I had support and it wasn't too bad.
The last week though, I thought I wouldn't make it. I felt myself being tempted every day. To top it all off, I was in pain. Not physical pain of course, but emotional pain. If it wasn't for Lent, I would have had a couple of drinks just to numb the pain. I'm a runner. Instead of dealing with my emotions and facing them head on I like to bury them deep down, never to be addressed again. Drinking was my way of running. Without it I had to face it all on my own. I didn't like the feeling in my chest or the tears constantly in my eyes....not me. I'm the strong one. I'm the hard one. I had to come to terms with the fact that what I have been doing is unhealthy, especially with the long line of alcoholics (real ones) in my family. I've always recognized my dependency on alcohol for what it was, but as I said before, I'm a runner so I never faced it.
When I started Lent I didn't expect to learn something about myself. But I did. I've learned that I don't always have to be the strong one. I don't always have to be hard. It's ok for other people to know you're hurt. If they don't know, how can they help you? And that's what they did. They helped me. Some made more tears flow with their unexpected loyalty and words of encouragement. Some made me laugh with their positive outlook and never ending jokes. But they all helped me in some way and for this I'm grateful.
Am I going to stop drinking? Shit no...but I'll leave it at socially drinking instead of "drowning my problems in bottles of Vodka".
I was right.
Some days were harder than others. I don't drink 7 days a week, or even every weekend. I'm a social drinker...for the most part. However, if I've had a bad day, or there's something going on in my life that's really bothering me I'd drink. Maybe I'd have a glass of wine after a rough day at work to remove the tension knot in my left shoulder. Maybe a shot of something to help me ignore the thoughts in my head and get some sleep. The beginning of Lent was easy. I was happy. I wasn't really going out, so there was no temptation. It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that my will started to crumble. For one, I had a party. Me...not drinking....at a party? Unheard of. Fortunately I had support and it wasn't too bad.
The last week though, I thought I wouldn't make it. I felt myself being tempted every day. To top it all off, I was in pain. Not physical pain of course, but emotional pain. If it wasn't for Lent, I would have had a couple of drinks just to numb the pain. I'm a runner. Instead of dealing with my emotions and facing them head on I like to bury them deep down, never to be addressed again. Drinking was my way of running. Without it I had to face it all on my own. I didn't like the feeling in my chest or the tears constantly in my eyes....not me. I'm the strong one. I'm the hard one. I had to come to terms with the fact that what I have been doing is unhealthy, especially with the long line of alcoholics (real ones) in my family. I've always recognized my dependency on alcohol for what it was, but as I said before, I'm a runner so I never faced it.
When I started Lent I didn't expect to learn something about myself. But I did. I've learned that I don't always have to be the strong one. I don't always have to be hard. It's ok for other people to know you're hurt. If they don't know, how can they help you? And that's what they did. They helped me. Some made more tears flow with their unexpected loyalty and words of encouragement. Some made me laugh with their positive outlook and never ending jokes. But they all helped me in some way and for this I'm grateful.
Am I going to stop drinking? Shit no...but I'll leave it at socially drinking instead of "drowning my problems in bottles of Vodka".
Monday, March 22, 2010
I always thought I was a little crazy...
Sharing feelings and emotions has never been something I've been comfortable with. Especially if the emotion is pain. Funny thing is, I'm usually the cause of my own pain. According to Albert Einstein, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Well by this definition I must be insane. I keep following my heart when it's steered me wrong so many times before. I ended last year with a new attitude. I was going to open myself up to the idea of love. I think I even blogged about it. I didn't want to be a bitter woman who'd closed herself off just because she'd been hurt before. There was still a part of me that would scream and fight to get me to protect myself. "Don't do it, you'll only get hurt." But how can you love, or be loved, if you don't take a chance? That voice got quieter and quieter as time went on. Right about now it's saying "I told you so". I've never been able to gamble with my money, so why do I keep gambling with my heart? I'd hate to go back to being that cold hearted woman. I made so much progress, or at least I thought I did. So what now? I don't know. I like to make jokes about drowning my sorrows in a bottle of vodka, but thanks to Lent I've got a good two weeks before I can do that. I pray I make it...
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
The Conversation
This morning I realized it's March already and I don't think I've read one book this year (well maybe ONE), but how unusual is it that my favorite past time has suddenly become something I don't have time for. With this in mind I paid a visit to the world wide web for new book suggestions. I came across reviews of Hill Harper's The Conversation. Not many people know this, but Hill Harper just might be my dream man. Not only is he handsome, he's educated. Everyone who knows me is aware of my weakness for an intelligent, well-read, educated black man.
**deep dreamy sigh**
That's not what this blog is about though. I'm pretty excited about reading The Conversation. Like me, Hill believes the art of communication has long been lost among black men and women. When attempting to form a romantic relationship we tend to only engage in superficial conversations. "Where are you from? What do you do for a living? What do you like to do for fun?" Sure this is perfectly fine initially. But after a certain point (when you decide you like said person and want to get to know them), we should be doing more communicating than playing 21 questions.
In my opinion, lack of communication and trust are the two reasons most relationships fail. I've always been a talker. If something has been done to hurt or upset me, you will know about it. I'll want to address the situation and clear the air so there will be no resentment later. Conversely, I'd like to be told when I hurt someone. There's nothing worse than getting the cold shoulder and not having any idea why. Leaving things unresolved has never been something I do. However when you're faced with men(not all) who completely shut down or get defensive any time you try to talk to them, you learn to stop talking to them. Can't wait to read Hill's thoughts on the subject. No worries I'll be sure to blog after reading.
**deep dreamy sigh**
That's not what this blog is about though. I'm pretty excited about reading The Conversation. Like me, Hill believes the art of communication has long been lost among black men and women. When attempting to form a romantic relationship we tend to only engage in superficial conversations. "Where are you from? What do you do for a living? What do you like to do for fun?" Sure this is perfectly fine initially. But after a certain point (when you decide you like said person and want to get to know them), we should be doing more communicating than playing 21 questions.
In my opinion, lack of communication and trust are the two reasons most relationships fail. I've always been a talker. If something has been done to hurt or upset me, you will know about it. I'll want to address the situation and clear the air so there will be no resentment later. Conversely, I'd like to be told when I hurt someone. There's nothing worse than getting the cold shoulder and not having any idea why. Leaving things unresolved has never been something I do. However when you're faced with men(not all) who completely shut down or get defensive any time you try to talk to them, you learn to stop talking to them. Can't wait to read Hill's thoughts on the subject. No worries I'll be sure to blog after reading.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Yup, I'm a Crab
I've never really been one of those people to set much store by a zodiac sign. It used to bug me if the question after "what's your name?" is "what's your sign?". Really? I am not my astrological sign. Recently I've been doing some....soul searching I guess you could call it and learning a lot about myself. While looking at the personality traits of a Cancer I see that everything ever written about the Cancer woman is me. Seriously. Every. Single. Thing. This part really stood out to me though.
The part about being very intuitive is definitely true. But the hard shell and soft interior? That's not me AT ALL(sarcasm at it's best). This might be the best way to describe me! It usually takes a very long time for me to let people in. I'm not even sure if they realize this because to them they think they've already made it. There are a lot of layers to me and only when they see the depth of my personality and emotions do they understand that all this time they've been getting the shell. I feel like I have to do this because underneath this hard exterior is a sensitivity not a lot of people understand. Absorbing other's emotions is a great way to put it. When the people I love are happy, I'm generally happy right along with them. However when they hurt, I truly hurt. Sometimes I hate that I'm so sensitive. I think I'd rather be hard inside and out, but that's just not me. Another thing about Cancers is that we're loyal. Once you make it in my heart, you're in. The flip side to this is that I don't always let go once a relationship has passed it's expiration date. Reading all this is helping me in my quest to find out more about myself. The more I learn, the more I like me :)You are extremely receptive to your environment and the people around you,
and will often ‘pick up’ people’s energies, moods and thoughts. This ability serves you well; your intuition about people is quite often correct. Your knack of knowing people’s issues before they even open their mouths attracts them to you. The difficulty with this, though, is that you can tend to absorb their emotions — negative as well as positive. The emblem for Cancer is the Crab, a creature with a very hard shell which protects a soft interior. The crab walks sideways, which is how the Cancerian skirts around a problem until forced to take it on with gritty determination and a creative flair.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The Gray Area
I can remember saying to my boyfriend, "Everything is so black or white with you. It's either your way or my way. There's never any compromise. How about we meet in the middle? A little gray never hurt anyone." That was my first serious relationship. I was such a naive thing (I blame Disney but that's another blog). Now that I'm a little older and way more experienced I realize GRAY SUCKS. Well...at least I think it does. I've never really been able to handle gray areas well because I don't know what's expected of me. I'm always either hurting someone's feelings, sticking my foot in my mouth, or getting pissed off because I just don't know what the hell is going on.
In dating and relationships, this is how it goes. You meet a guy. You start talking. If you like him, you keep talking. There's dates, maybe some sex, deep conversations, etc. You're dating but not in a relationship yet. This is what I call a gray area. We haven't really had that "exclusive" convo yet *shudders*, but I'm not sure how I'd feel if I saw you out with another girl either. For most women, this is the time they pull out the "what are we" talk because they're interested in becoming something more. This isn't me. If I ever start the "what are we" conversation it's because I'm confused and I want to make sure it's cool for me to talk to/date/sleep with someone else. In any case, this is always where I mess up. The last time I experienced a gray area, the guy said we were just "dating" and not in a relationship. To me, "just dating" is something I can do with more than one somebody. I say, "So.....we can see other people right?" I mean I just wanted to be clear! Wrong thing to say. This is probably a bad example considering the fact that the man was an idiot, but anyway you get my drift. Some people's gray is a little different than others.
In friendships, especially those controversial male/female friendships, it starts the same way. You meet, you talk, you hang, you have fun. But if you're a girl, there will be a point where you ask yourself "Is he trying to get in my pants, or does he REALLY just want to be my friend?" If you're just my friend, you can listen to me talk about random boo's or scum. If you're just my friend I can tell you I think your brother is fine without you getting pissed off. Messed up here too. Damn, my bad homie! Thought we were just friends! On the flip side, you keep saying you don't wanna get in my pants but uh...all you want to talk about is sex. Not just sex, but sex with me...what's up with that?
I hate gray areas. I'm all about black/white. We're either together, or we're not. We're either strictly friends or you're trying to get in my pants. This is something I will have to work on because half the time I'm forcing people into my own gray areas because I have no earthly idea what I want. I've never been good at just "going with the flow". I hate when people say that shit. It's not something I'm good at. I'm impulsive and impatient and if I see something I want then dammit I go after it. Again, something I'll have to work on. So it's time to sit back, relax, and try my best to just "go with the flow".....without hurting anyone's feelings. **fingers crossed**
In dating and relationships, this is how it goes. You meet a guy. You start talking. If you like him, you keep talking. There's dates, maybe some sex, deep conversations, etc. You're dating but not in a relationship yet. This is what I call a gray area. We haven't really had that "exclusive" convo yet *shudders*, but I'm not sure how I'd feel if I saw you out with another girl either. For most women, this is the time they pull out the "what are we" talk because they're interested in becoming something more. This isn't me. If I ever start the "what are we" conversation it's because I'm confused and I want to make sure it's cool for me to talk to/date/sleep with someone else. In any case, this is always where I mess up. The last time I experienced a gray area, the guy said we were just "dating" and not in a relationship. To me, "just dating" is something I can do with more than one somebody. I say, "So.....we can see other people right?" I mean I just wanted to be clear! Wrong thing to say. This is probably a bad example considering the fact that the man was an idiot, but anyway you get my drift. Some people's gray is a little different than others.
In friendships, especially those controversial male/female friendships, it starts the same way. You meet, you talk, you hang, you have fun. But if you're a girl, there will be a point where you ask yourself "Is he trying to get in my pants, or does he REALLY just want to be my friend?" If you're just my friend, you can listen to me talk about random boo's or scum. If you're just my friend I can tell you I think your brother is fine without you getting pissed off. Messed up here too. Damn, my bad homie! Thought we were just friends! On the flip side, you keep saying you don't wanna get in my pants but uh...all you want to talk about is sex. Not just sex, but sex with me...what's up with that?
I hate gray areas. I'm all about black/white. We're either together, or we're not. We're either strictly friends or you're trying to get in my pants. This is something I will have to work on because half the time I'm forcing people into my own gray areas because I have no earthly idea what I want. I've never been good at just "going with the flow". I hate when people say that shit. It's not something I'm good at. I'm impulsive and impatient and if I see something I want then dammit I go after it. Again, something I'll have to work on. So it's time to sit back, relax, and try my best to just "go with the flow".....without hurting anyone's feelings. **fingers crossed**
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Can Men and Women Be Friends?
In all honesty I can't even remember why this has been so heavy on my mind today...blame the tangled mass of random thoughts that is my brain. While chatting with the girls today, I posed a question. Can women and men be friends?
Before I go any further, allow me to clarify. By friends I mean STRICTLY friends.
Not friends w/benefits. (Ya'll know what this means)
My girls, being the hilarious and brilliant women they are, gave me great answers. Karly* a 29yr old single woman initially said it can work as long as no one crosses the "friend" line, but "if he's fine I am probably gonna kiss him at least once, or give him a massage...something. So I guess you can...as long as he's not fine." Sahara*, a 26yr old woman in a relationship says "If we both decide that friendship is as far as it goes and we understand why, then two mature people should be able to be just friends...sad to say I ain't one of those people." Most of the responses I received on FB and Twitter were "hell no's", with only two people who think it's possible as long as both parties exercise will power. My answer? In a word, yes, men and women can be friends.
But as I type this I hear Karly's voice....."as long as he's not fine." Hmm, what if he is fine? Would attraction change things? I think of all my male friends and guess what...not physically attracted to any of them. The only one I've been attracted to is no longer of the platonic variety. It's hard to imagine myself being friends with a 6ft tall, intelligent lite brite who enjoys my company and NOT jumping his bones....but maybe that's the Samantha in me. Sahara made a good point when she says "If he is worthy of a real friendship, then he must at least be an alright guy." and isn't friendship the foundation of a good relationship?
Am I saying that it's impossible to be friends with someone you're attracted to? No, it's definitely possible and can be a great experience but it can be difficult until you fall into the easy pattern of true friendship. My friend Kee says, "It is possible to admire someone and find them attractive and not want them. I think it depends on the strengths of the parties involved." I agree with her. Will power and respect for your friendship are ultimately the deciding factors on whether or not you can be friends with someone who just so happens to be hott as a marathon runner's jockstrap.
*Names have been changed to protect my retarded friends' identity.
Before I go any further, allow me to clarify. By friends I mean STRICTLY friends.
Not friends w/benefits. (Ya'll know what this means)
My girls, being the hilarious and brilliant women they are, gave me great answers. Karly* a 29yr old single woman initially said it can work as long as no one crosses the "friend" line, but "if he's fine I am probably gonna kiss him at least once, or give him a massage...something. So I guess you can...as long as he's not fine." Sahara*, a 26yr old woman in a relationship says "If we both decide that friendship is as far as it goes and we understand why, then two mature people should be able to be just friends...sad to say I ain't one of those people." Most of the responses I received on FB and Twitter were "hell no's", with only two people who think it's possible as long as both parties exercise will power. My answer? In a word, yes, men and women can be friends.
But as I type this I hear Karly's voice....."as long as he's not fine." Hmm, what if he is fine? Would attraction change things? I think of all my male friends and guess what...not physically attracted to any of them. The only one I've been attracted to is no longer of the platonic variety. It's hard to imagine myself being friends with a 6ft tall, intelligent lite brite who enjoys my company and NOT jumping his bones....but maybe that's the Samantha in me. Sahara made a good point when she says "If he is worthy of a real friendship, then he must at least be an alright guy." and isn't friendship the foundation of a good relationship?
Am I saying that it's impossible to be friends with someone you're attracted to? No, it's definitely possible and can be a great experience but it can be difficult until you fall into the easy pattern of true friendship. My friend Kee says, "It is possible to admire someone and find them attractive and not want them. I think it depends on the strengths of the parties involved." I agree with her. Will power and respect for your friendship are ultimately the deciding factors on whether or not you can be friends with someone who just so happens to be hott as a marathon runner's jockstrap.
*Names have been changed to protect my retarded friends' identity.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
