Mr. Big is back

As soon as I write a post about leaving all my scummies in 2009, Big wishes to resurface(again). Big is my ex. Maybe I should give you the whole story. But damn, that would take time I don't have. Short version: Big and I met in 2004. Over the course of these five years we've broken up and made up about....I don't know....20 times. Probably more. He lives in Nashville, I live in Memphis. We've done just about everything to ruin any kind of love we might have left. But the truth is, I love him just as much now as I did five years ago. Unfortunately, love isn't everything.
While Big is essentially a good guy, he's not really ready for the kind of relationship I want. On top of that, what we have seems to be unhealthy. We both get blinded by love and do things we shouldn't for the sake of being together. With that being said, on labor day this year, I kicked him out of my life for the umpteenth time. Really, if neither one of us have any solid plans for moving, and actually spending our life together....what's the point? Anyhoo, I was doing really well until about 3 days ago, when poof, like a rabbit out of a hat Big reappears. He's saying he loves me and needs to be with me. He asked to come see me for the weekend. And when have I ever been able to tell him no?

There's a first time for everything.

I told him NO. I wasn't mean about it. I just explained that I don't want to start the cycle again. Simple as that. Even though I'd like to see him, I told him no. And guess what he said..."Well I'm coming anyway. If you change your mind, and hopefully you will, I'll be there". So Big will be in Memphis this weekend. Will I stay strong and stay AWAY??? Or will I give in to temptation??? Only time will tell I guess. But first, it's time for our monthly book club meeting. I live for these things!!!

A Change in the Wind

Today has been a really long day. Monday's at DHS usually are. I'm thinking I need a healthier way to relieve my stress. I've decided that wine just has too many calories and I really don't want to be dependent on alcohol to calm my nerves. I refuse to turn to weed. I just don't feel right about it for some reason. Maybe if I wasn't a mother....but that's not healthy either. Sex, while a great stress reliever, causes too much drama which in turn, induces more stress. I've settled on working out. At least, I'm going to try. However even as I write this I have a martini on the desk. I'll start tomorrow.

With the new year rapidly approaching, it seems as though everyone is thinking of resolutions. Some are giving up drinking, some cursing, some sex. Over the course of the last few months, I've been feeling a bit....lost. I can't really explain it, I feel happy every day. It's just sometimes I don't think I'm sure of who I am. Is that weird to say at 27? I thought by now I'd know exactly what I wanted to be and who I am. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Things I know for sure:

1. I'm not using the "n-word" in 2010.
2. I'm leaving all scummies in 2009
3. I will take better care of myself and be healthy

I honestly can't remember how long I've been using the n-word. It never really bothered me until recently I realized exactly how much I say it. The n-word will no longer be a part of my vocabulary. Not even really sure when I decided to stop saying it. I've recently moved to saying "n-word" instead of "nigga", but I'm planning to cut it out completely. Older people do not call each other "nigga", and it's for a reason. The memories they have of that word are far from pleasant.

Ah scummy. See, the thing about scummies, is that you don't really have to put forth any effort with them. There is no chance of being with a scummy because for 1, scummies are no good. They're usually cute and good in bed, so we keep them around for rainy days. With scummies there is no possibility of getting hurt. And all of this I plan to leave in 2009. Starting this next decade with an empty roster. And I will not recruit any new scummies. Looks like I've had enough. It just might be time to go back to the old me. But the question remains: When a good girl goes bad, is she truly gone forever?

Diabetes, Cancer, Heart Disease, High Blood Pressure. These are all diseases the people in my family have or have had. As African Americans we are at a higher risk for these diseases in general, and with the family history....let's just say I'm screwed. God gave me this life, it's my responsibility to make sure I do everything in my power to keep this gift. This means eating healthier, working out, and getting regular check-ups. I usually hate going to the doctor(get that from my mother), but I have a 4 year old to think about. I want to be able to spend as many years with her as I possibly can.

Welp, that's all for tonight. Need to get rested for another DHS day tomorrow.

"Laugh as much as you breathe, and love as long as you live."

When Did Women Become Men?

I've been blessed with a handful of beautiful, independent, confident women to call friends. I can tell these girls anything, and they never judge me. We talk about everything from education, religion, motherhood, politics, music, to sex. Ahhh, sex. How often we broach this topic. During one of our many explicit convo's I had a thought. It hasn't always been this way. The belief used to be that after a woman engages in sexual activity, she gets attached. She becomes clingy and is automatically expecting more. This belief seems to have changed. Maybe not worldwide, but definitely in my world. So I pose this question: When did women become men?

The women I know (myself included) approach most sexual relationships like men. They are completely capable of being in sexual relationships without "catching feelings". Some even prefer it this way. So when did this change? I can't even pinpoint when the change occurred for myself, let alone others. I do know that times have quite obviously changed. Women are not as commonly thought of as "hoes" if they enjoy sex without attachments. This is a change for the better. Every consenting adult should be sexually liberated. Women should not be ashamed to enjoy or seek sex. Everybody needs a little "sex therapy". And on that note.....

My Black Brother

Well well here I am again. Been a little under the weather. Had a mean case of bronchitis, but I'm starting to feel a bit more like myself now. Nothing very exciting has been going on in my life so I'd like to get into something I've been thinking about recently. The BLACK man. I've noticed that a lot of black women on Facebook and Twitter do a lot of man bashing. I have to include myself in this group because I do sometimes get caught up in it too. We call them scummies, we use them, abuse them, and make fun of them. In a sense we've turned into everything we hate about black men. Now don't get me wrong, there are PLENTY of scummies in the world. Unfortunately, we run into them a lot more often than the good black man. Sorry, getting off subject, I'll save the scummies for another post. For now, I'd just like the world to know that there are good black men out there. Plenty actually. I'm in love with the black man. There is nothing sexier on this planet than an educated black man. NOTHING. Our black men are educated, talented, ambitious, loving, funny, loyal, strong, creative and most of all misunderstood. The worst part is that they are misunderstood mostly by their own black women. Sometimes we confuse every black man with the one black man who may have hurt us. This has to end. I will no longer be guilty of making generalized statements about black men. I will not bring to light the flaws and weaknesses. Instead I will shine a light on all of my black brothers doing it the way it's supposed to be done. I just want to stand up for my black men. I mean...if we don't, who will??? Think about it.

STUPID IN LOVE

This is why I have a love/hate relationship with music. Music can alter your mood so drastically. Put on the right song on a bad day and ur frown is instantly turned upside down. Unfortunately it works the opposite way as well. (insert dramatic sigh here) On Rihanna's Rated R album there's a song called Stupid In Love. I instantly loved the song. But the song brings out feelings in me that I thought were buried a long time ago. As Rihanna found out, the hard way, sometimes regardless of how much you love a person, you've just got to let them go. Like she said in her interview...."f" love. Sometimes the love u have for a person can be so powerful it's dangerous. It makes u "stupid in love". Like she says, "I still love you but I just can't do this." The song takes me back to a time where I was stupid in love. Even though I got out of it, I still feel stupid at times because I can't make the love go away. Was I such a horrible person in a past life that I'm cursed to love someone I shouldn't be with...for the rest of my life? That's the way it feels. Grrrr I hate these depressing ass blogs. And I hate feeling this way. The "dunce cap is off", but I'm still Stupid In Love....