Father Can You Hear Me Pt 2

First I have to thank my buddy EJ (lol) for introducing me to blogging. I'll be forever grateful. Also, thanks to my cousin Keish. Reading her blog helped me finish mine. In case you missed it like I did....http://therapeuticrelief.blogspot.com/2010/01/daddys-little-girl.html

Something she said in her blog reminded me of a pattern I see in my relationships. "Because I expect them to leave, I push them away before it can happen." LIGHT BULB! Every man I've had a relationship with, or got close to, I left before they could leave me. Every. Single. One. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept thinking of all the love and laughs I may have missed out on because I'm too afraid to let go. I often tell others to live each day to the fullest because we never know when our life will end. Cherish every moment, I say. How hypocritical of me. I do no such thing. Whenever I meet a man that sees through the walls I've built around my heart it unsettles me. I want to let him see, I want to let him in, I want to let him love me, but my own stubbornness won't let that happen. I can't do this anymore. I think of the ones I've loved and lost. One in particular who has been heavy on my mind lately. He lost his life at the same age I am now. More of a brother, than a cousin. When I think of him, I'm reminded to not just exist, but to live. Every life is precious and I can't spend mine being afraid. I have to live for them. I have to live for my daughter. I have to live for myself. A friend of mine told me that God places people in our lives for a reason and instead of being bothered by the presence of that person, we should just allow ourselves to learn whatever we're supposed to learn from them. I refuse to miss out on anything else. I have some pretty awesome people in my life. I will love each and every one of them for as long as I live with more passion than before.

As for Randy, I do love him, exactly the way a daughter should love her father. I know he loves me too and our relationship continues to grow every day. He's accepted me for who I am, and he doesn't even preach to me anymore. I don't know what happened between last night and today, but I feel very optimistic about the future...for the first time in a long time.

Father Can You Hear Me

Thanks to today's FITB session on Twitter for blogging inspiration. The topic was "Dear Daddy". Looking at the responses showed me how many women have "daddy issues"...Lord knows I do. When I was 5 my father moved back to his hometown of Birmingham, Al. When I was younger, I felt absolutely no resentment towards my father. I can honestly say this. It felt perfectly normal for daddy to live in Al, and for me to visit every summer. Maybe it's because none of my cousins father's were really around either. It wasn't until I looked into my daughter's eyes for the first time that I felt what all the others must have felt all their lives...abandonment. I tried to imagine leaving her. I came to the realization that it would cause me physical pain to be away from her. Hell I miss her if she's with her father for more than a weekend. As I looked into her eyes, I kept asking myself the one question I couldn't answer.

"How could he leave me?"

I asked him this question once, of course not with that much emotion. I think it was more along the lines of "Why did you move back to AL?" His response was something about him just having to get away, and that I wouldn't really understand. I really don't care what's going on in my life, nothing could take me away from my daughter. My boyfriend at the time tried to tell me that it's a man thing. Women are more attached to their children. Under no circumstances do I believe this. The father's I know feel the same way I do (especially the fool who told me this). Once again I don't think it's a gender thing, it's more of a person thing. Maybe some people are not cut out to be parents. But I'm rambling, what I'm really wondering now is if the issues I have with men in general can be attributed to what I feel for my father? I never really made the connection. Probably because for all of my young life I had no issues. I thought my fear of getting close came from my first couple of relationships. I thought I had problems trusting people because I've been cheated on. Now I'm not so sure.

I've always been a sensitive person. Maybe it's the Cancer in me. I rarely open up to new people or come out of my shell. If I feel I'm getting too close or if I feel I'll get hurt, I completely shut down. Only people who've proven trustworthy get past the hard outer shell. Over the past year I think I dated at least 5 new guys. I didn't let any of them in. Not one. Didn't realize how sad that was until recently. I'm really starting to have trouble with this blog right now so I'll work on finishing later.


"The human father has to be confronted and recognized as human, as man who created a child and then, by his absence, left the child fatherless and then Godless." -Anais Nin

The Man

Sunday night I was talking with my cousin, her boy a.k.a my bff, and my daughter's father. Actually listening to those idiots talk would be a more accurate description. In the beginning the convo was about the typical "man shit". You know, gadgets, football, and cars. Somehow it morphed into them talking about how many babies they want, pregnancy, labor, and periods. My cousin and I were silent the whole time looking like WTF and wishing they would change the subject. It got me to thinking. In an earlier blog, I asked when did women become men? Now I'm wondering more specifically, when did I become the man?

When I was 18yrs old I met my first love. Still had on my rose-colored glass and thought love was like a fairy tale. Growing up on Disney movies will do that to you. I still got a thing for Prince Eric btw. (I could go on and on about the racism and sexism of Disney, but that's another blog.)Anyway, I was sadly naive but happy with him...until he cheated. My mind could not even fully comprehend what happened. I snapped for a few months, but felt a little like myself again after it was over. I was no longer naive, but still a hopeless romantic believing in love. And then I met Big. I won't go into details, but Big is probably what sealed the deal. The straw that broke the camel's back or whatever u want to call it. In no way do I blame these men for my actions now. I take complete responsibility, but after that heartbreak, I came up with a few rules to keep myself from getting too attached to any man. I started approaching sexual relationships the way a lot of men do. Sex with no attachment. Unfortunately, just about every man I've dated since then has gotten hurt. Do I blame myself? Hell no. I explain to them that I have NO INTEREST in forming any kind of relationship, but they always try to change me. This is when they get the "Kick Rocks, Thanks" memo. I move on to the next without any kind of remorse. Talk about role reversal...

I haven't had any kind of emotional attachment to a man in a year. Except for Big of course, but I'm not counting him. This weekend I realized just how far I've gone. I felt bad about it for a second, but like most men, I pushed those emotions way down. Now that I've figured out when and why I became a man, am I ready to change? I'll never be the girl I was 10yrs ago, and that's a good thing. But am I ready to open up again? I actually think I am...one thing is for sure, it's going to take one hell of a man to deal with me. Then again I am one hell of a woman.

Dream A Little Dream

I am never, never, NEVER drinking anything else my Uncle Perry gives me. I shoulda known. Last night we went over for my cousins 18th bday party. It was hilarious, my fam is crazy. That's beside the point though. While there, Unc gave me just a swallow of some Moonshine or something I don't even know exactly. I'm a pretty hard drinker so it wasn't bad. Didn't burn going down, but I felt nice and warm from my chest to my toes. I didn't get drunk at all though since all I had was that one swallow. When I got home? Weird dream city. I wouldn't say that I never remember my dreams. But I never really remember more than just a vague picture of what happened. Here's what happened.

Dream #1: I wake up on a couch. There seems to be some noise nearby, like people talking. I jump up because I have the feeling I've overslept. Instantly I realize I'm getting married and I don't have enough time to get ready. Next I get PISSED because I haven't had a bachelorette party. This is all I remember from this dream.

Dream #2: It starts with me in a mirror. I have my wedding gown on and my hair has been done. I'm trying to put on makeup. For some reason, my makeup looks horrible! I mean I'm screwing up bad. My lipstick was a hideous shade of bright pink and my foundation was too light. I'm freaking out because the wedding starts at 4:30 and the clock says 4:47. One of my bridesmaids reminded me that it's my wedding so they'll wait for me. I remember telling her I hate when weddings start so damn late. My bridesmaids were women who probably won't even BE at my wedding let alone be bridesmaids. They were random high school classmates and friends of friends. Idk what happened there. Then in walks my fine ass husband to be. He's telling me to calm down and not to worry about the guest. As my bridesmaids said...they'll wait. He was pretty hott too. Score one for me huh?

Dream #3: Now this is where it gets interesting lol. For a split second I thought this dream was real. This dream starts with me waking up in bed. My bed...and reaching for my phone to check Twitter (I actually do this sometimes if I've fallen asleep on someone). I start tweeting one of my buddies and while I remember every single tweet from the dream...I'd rather not share. It was so real that I had to check Twitter this morning to see if they were actually there. I'm thinking maybe I need to spend a little less time on Twitter.

Now what does all this mean???? I haven't the foggiest. Why did I not see any of my real friends or family in the wedding dream? Why the hell am I dreaming about getting married? I know I'm not ready for that. I think I've figured out why I'm dreaming about Twitter. I simply spend way too much time tweeting. As for the other two....no earthly idea what's going on there. I'm blaming it on the Moonshine!

THE DATING GAME

Ah yes, the dating game. Regardless of race, sex, ethnicity, religion, or even sexual orientation, we're all active participants in the search for love (in one form or another). So I pose this question......

WHY IS IT SO FREAKING HARD TO FIND?

As part of a very close knit group of women who often bear a resemblance to the characters from Sex and the City, Girlfriends, and sometimes even The Golden Girls, I hear a lot of concerns about dating. As a single woman looking for love (ew), I have some of the same concerns. First things first. I'm not really sure what I want. Maybe that's my whole problem. I do know that I want to find love (the can't live without each other love) eventually. Right now I'd rather just have a companion to do things with and talk about everything and nothing with. You'd think it'd be easy for me to find someone like this right?

WRONG!!!

Finding a man who 1)doesn't bore my pants off 2)is actually honest about what he wants and 3)can hold an intelligent convo has proven to be a difficult task. I'm not picky. He doesn't have to look like Reggie Bush (though that would help). I just need 2 cups of intelligence, honesty, and wit, with a dash of compassion and a pinch of sexy. A little ambition wouldn't hurt either. Is that too much? Am I more picky than I realized? It seems we can't actually have all the things we look for in a mate, and I never expected that. But just because he's intelligent and witty, does this mean he has to be a liar? Or he's honest and compassionate but dumb as a box of rocks.

Sorry but I need a little more!

I refuse to settle for something I don't REALLY want. A pastor I know once compared the dating game to shoe shopping. He said you can spot a shoe that is EXACTLY what you're looking for, but it might be two sizes too small. Some people will take this shoe home and try to force it on their fat ass feet and end up with corns and bunions and eventually realize that no matter what u do. The shoe just doesn't fit. I will not take home a shoe that doesn't fit.

If all this wasn't enough of a reason to give it all up, most of the men we come across refuse to KI100 (like my Twitter boo says) and tell us what they are really looking for. I take that back not most men, but a lot of men. Why do they refuse to be honest with us? I do understand that more often than not if you tell a woman "I'm just looking for sex", she'll tell you to kick rocks. But hey that's just a part of dating. No means next. Please don't waste my time trying to make me believe you actually give a damn when you don't give a rat's ass. I have better things to do with my time. It turns me all the way off when a guy fronts like that. With me, honesty will get you farther than any lame ass lines you can throw at me.

*dramatic sigh*

Dating truly sucks sometimes. Then just when you've lost all hope...

HALLELUJAH!

You find him. He may not look like Reggie Bush, and he may not be the smartest or funniest man in the world, but he has a little bit of everything you're looking for. He makes your heart race and your palms sweat. He makes those old dating days feel like the Dark Ages. And this, my friends is why I won't give up. I'll keep looking for him.

First time for everything...

Ooops I haven't written in a minute. First things first I did not see Big when he was in Memphis. I could lie and say I stuck to my guns and was determined not to see him. But the truth is...I really didn't feel like getting out to see him. And with it being the weekend before Christmas I had too much to do. So if I had more time and he had come to me would I have seen him? Probably. But that's beside the point. The point is in the past I didn't care what the hell I had to do. Gotta get up at 4am to run a 15 mile marathon(like I'd ever do that I'm just sayin)? Still going to see Big. Been planning on going to a new club with my bff for the longest? No problem, I'll leave early and see Big. World coming to an end? No problem! I'm going to see Big. So the fact that I simply didn't feel like it kept me from seeing him is a major accomplishment. I might not be all the way there, but I'm so totally on the way lol. Anyhoo what's been happening since then?

Welp I kinda cancelled the book club meetings. Hated to do it but it just felt like I was the only one (with the exception of Keesh) that was really interested in the books. We didn't have one meeting where everybody read the book. It was kinda sad. Not that I'll stop reading...that'll NEVER happen. Hell would have to freeze over and even then I'd be finding something to read. We'll just do the meet and eat thing every month to keep in touch with each other. I mean we talk every day but I like having a set date to actually get together with the girls.

My NYE wasn't the greatest...well no I can't say that. It wasn't bad it was just....different. I decided to go to church this year. Spent last year's NYE in a club and while I actually had a blast. My year kinda seemed a little off track. Going to church was a good idea but I didn't know what kind of service it would be. Wasn't aware that people were going to be getting up to testify while I had to sit there and listen. Didn't know there would be three whole speakers for the night or that we'd be there well after midnight. 30 minutes into service I was wishing I'd gone out. So this past Saturday my cousin and I did go out. We went to Level 2. It wasn't bad but it looks like we'll have to get Gucci's new album to enjoy. I mean they had a whole Gucci HOUR. It was a mess. So for next NYE I won't fight the urge to go out because it seems to just get stronger and stronger anyway!

I have more but it's lunchtime and I haven't had a thing to eat today. That's the beauty of a blog though huh? U can always come back and write more. Loving it! Thanks Edward for introducing me.