Father Can You Hear Me Pt 2

First I have to thank my buddy EJ (lol) for introducing me to blogging. I'll be forever grateful. Also, thanks to my cousin Keish. Reading her blog helped me finish mine. In case you missed it like I did....http://therapeuticrelief.blogspot.com/2010/01/daddys-little-girl.html

Something she said in her blog reminded me of a pattern I see in my relationships. "Because I expect them to leave, I push them away before it can happen." LIGHT BULB! Every man I've had a relationship with, or got close to, I left before they could leave me. Every. Single. One. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept thinking of all the love and laughs I may have missed out on because I'm too afraid to let go. I often tell others to live each day to the fullest because we never know when our life will end. Cherish every moment, I say. How hypocritical of me. I do no such thing. Whenever I meet a man that sees through the walls I've built around my heart it unsettles me. I want to let him see, I want to let him in, I want to let him love me, but my own stubbornness won't let that happen. I can't do this anymore. I think of the ones I've loved and lost. One in particular who has been heavy on my mind lately. He lost his life at the same age I am now. More of a brother, than a cousin. When I think of him, I'm reminded to not just exist, but to live. Every life is precious and I can't spend mine being afraid. I have to live for them. I have to live for my daughter. I have to live for myself. A friend of mine told me that God places people in our lives for a reason and instead of being bothered by the presence of that person, we should just allow ourselves to learn whatever we're supposed to learn from them. I refuse to miss out on anything else. I have some pretty awesome people in my life. I will love each and every one of them for as long as I live with more passion than before.

As for Randy, I do love him, exactly the way a daughter should love her father. I know he loves me too and our relationship continues to grow every day. He's accepted me for who I am, and he doesn't even preach to me anymore. I don't know what happened between last night and today, but I feel very optimistic about the future...for the first time in a long time.