Father Can You Hear Me

Thanks to today's FITB session on Twitter for blogging inspiration. The topic was "Dear Daddy". Looking at the responses showed me how many women have "daddy issues"...Lord knows I do. When I was 5 my father moved back to his hometown of Birmingham, Al. When I was younger, I felt absolutely no resentment towards my father. I can honestly say this. It felt perfectly normal for daddy to live in Al, and for me to visit every summer. Maybe it's because none of my cousins father's were really around either. It wasn't until I looked into my daughter's eyes for the first time that I felt what all the others must have felt all their lives...abandonment. I tried to imagine leaving her. I came to the realization that it would cause me physical pain to be away from her. Hell I miss her if she's with her father for more than a weekend. As I looked into her eyes, I kept asking myself the one question I couldn't answer.

"How could he leave me?"

I asked him this question once, of course not with that much emotion. I think it was more along the lines of "Why did you move back to AL?" His response was something about him just having to get away, and that I wouldn't really understand. I really don't care what's going on in my life, nothing could take me away from my daughter. My boyfriend at the time tried to tell me that it's a man thing. Women are more attached to their children. Under no circumstances do I believe this. The father's I know feel the same way I do (especially the fool who told me this). Once again I don't think it's a gender thing, it's more of a person thing. Maybe some people are not cut out to be parents. But I'm rambling, what I'm really wondering now is if the issues I have with men in general can be attributed to what I feel for my father? I never really made the connection. Probably because for all of my young life I had no issues. I thought my fear of getting close came from my first couple of relationships. I thought I had problems trusting people because I've been cheated on. Now I'm not so sure.

I've always been a sensitive person. Maybe it's the Cancer in me. I rarely open up to new people or come out of my shell. If I feel I'm getting too close or if I feel I'll get hurt, I completely shut down. Only people who've proven trustworthy get past the hard outer shell. Over the past year I think I dated at least 5 new guys. I didn't let any of them in. Not one. Didn't realize how sad that was until recently. I'm really starting to have trouble with this blog right now so I'll work on finishing later.


"The human father has to be confronted and recognized as human, as man who created a child and then, by his absence, left the child fatherless and then Godless." -Anais Nin