The Man

Sunday night I was talking with my cousin, her boy a.k.a my bff, and my daughter's father. Actually listening to those idiots talk would be a more accurate description. In the beginning the convo was about the typical "man shit". You know, gadgets, football, and cars. Somehow it morphed into them talking about how many babies they want, pregnancy, labor, and periods. My cousin and I were silent the whole time looking like WTF and wishing they would change the subject. It got me to thinking. In an earlier blog, I asked when did women become men? Now I'm wondering more specifically, when did I become the man?

When I was 18yrs old I met my first love. Still had on my rose-colored glass and thought love was like a fairy tale. Growing up on Disney movies will do that to you. I still got a thing for Prince Eric btw. (I could go on and on about the racism and sexism of Disney, but that's another blog.)Anyway, I was sadly naive but happy with him...until he cheated. My mind could not even fully comprehend what happened. I snapped for a few months, but felt a little like myself again after it was over. I was no longer naive, but still a hopeless romantic believing in love. And then I met Big. I won't go into details, but Big is probably what sealed the deal. The straw that broke the camel's back or whatever u want to call it. In no way do I blame these men for my actions now. I take complete responsibility, but after that heartbreak, I came up with a few rules to keep myself from getting too attached to any man. I started approaching sexual relationships the way a lot of men do. Sex with no attachment. Unfortunately, just about every man I've dated since then has gotten hurt. Do I blame myself? Hell no. I explain to them that I have NO INTEREST in forming any kind of relationship, but they always try to change me. This is when they get the "Kick Rocks, Thanks" memo. I move on to the next without any kind of remorse. Talk about role reversal...

I haven't had any kind of emotional attachment to a man in a year. Except for Big of course, but I'm not counting him. This weekend I realized just how far I've gone. I felt bad about it for a second, but like most men, I pushed those emotions way down. Now that I've figured out when and why I became a man, am I ready to change? I'll never be the girl I was 10yrs ago, and that's a good thing. But am I ready to open up again? I actually think I am...one thing is for sure, it's going to take one hell of a man to deal with me. Then again I am one hell of a woman.